One year later…

The day my life changed.

November 20th 2017 was the day my life changed. I’d prepared myself for this day since my mothers diagnosis, one day she would no longer be here. She was dying and there was nothing anyone could do to stop it.

I woke up to the sounds of my phone ringing, got myself ready but it was too late, she was gone and there was nothing i could do. I got to hold my mom one last time, i hugged her so tight, i never wanted to let go. As much as i prepared my heart for that day it just wasn’t enough.
My grief

I prepared myself for the day i would have to say goodbye to my mom but i never prepared myself for what was to come.

One year later and i still grieve for my mom everyday, i still get tidal waves of emotions that i can’t control. Anger, Sadness, Loss and guilt. I miss my mom every moment of every day, not one day goes by that i don’t want to tell my mom a story or ask her advice. One year later and all i want to do is see my mom one last time even though i know that last time will never be enough. One year later and i still stare at my moms picture and speak to her. One year later and i still look for signs that she’s with me.

One year later, two years later and even three i know i will never stop grieving for my mom.

I’m not okay one year later and i don’t think i ever will be.

Grief isn’t a process or something you can just get over, grief for me is something i know will stay with me for the rest of my life but for that it makes me a better person.

Everyday i learn something new about myself. My grief journey has been a huge part of my life and always will, i’ve taught myself that its okay not to be okay, i’ve taught myself how to forgive myself and overall, i’ve taught myself how to be better person.

My mother was one of and is one of the most inspirational people i have ever met and i will cherish her for the rest of my life. I never wanted grief to enter my world, the nights i would spend begging for one last hug or for the times i’d lie awake and speak to the sky in hopes she can hear me but for all the pain and hurt i’ve felt, it’s made me who i am today and for that i thank grief.

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I love you mom. I miss you so much.

Please remember you are never alone and that it’s okay to not be okay.

“It’s not about waiting for the storm to pass, it’s about learning to dance in the rain”

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