Some months i feel like i’m on cloud nine, i push reality to the back of my mind until months like this happen. I crash. The truth is i want to say i’m getting better, i’m healing but i know deep down i’m lying to myself. You can’t click your fingers and say you’re fine because the truth is you have to work for it, confront it.
Loosing someone you love is a turmoil of emotions. The first smile you make without them here, comes with guilt and sadness. I remember the exact moment i smiled since my mothers passing and within seconds my whole body shuddered and filled itself with guilt and hurt. Every moment becomes intensified, for better and for worse. I refuse to think about her not being here, i live my life and pretend i’m doing fine when the reality is, if i think about it i go into shock. My mind thinks of all the “what could have been moments” if she was here, her walking me down the isle, being their with me through my first pregnancy, even the small things like going on walks or shopping trips.
I pushed the truth aside for so long without thinking about the consequences. I sit here lost, numb and empty. I’ve drowned myself in sorrow for so long now that i’m stuck fighting for air beneath the surface. grief doesn’t just present itself as they tell you, it makes you loose yourself, You loose everything.
Im lost between my job and health, i miss being able to ask for advice from the one person who understood and could push me in the right direction. Now i’m left following my own voice, my own advice. I’m stuck in a job that makes me feel broken, but now i’m also stuck between choosing my sanity or the sense of being able to live without struggle. Grief has shown me that you really have to follow what you believe, there’s no arrows pointing me in the right direction anymore, i have to pave the way for myself now.
Grief doesn’t just stop at the stages you are presented with when you loose someone, it’s lifelong. Days and months like this where i drown myself in my sorrow, where life becomes too much. I can’t help but feel defenceless. On these days where i bury my head in the sand and feel nothing but hopelessness, i feel guilty for taking time away to be sad. I feel like i’m wasting the precious moments my mother would have loved to of had.
I also know that i’m not alone in that and these feelings are okay. I find it hard to understand why when i tell myself it’s okay to be sad, i still feel guilty for it.
If you’re struggling right now, know it’s okay and on the days, weeks or months you loose who you are, you’ll find yourself eventually. It’s okay to need time off to rest and to be sad. Everything doesn’t need to be okay all of the time, it makes us human, allow yourself time to heal.
It’s hard to turn the page when you know someone won’t be in the next chapter, but the story must go on.