It’s strange to me how one day you can wake up, look at yourself in the mirror and see something you never did before. I was so young and naive of the world around me, i never really understood how i felt or why i felt the way i did, all i knew was i wanted to take control of something that couldn’t control me. I felt so attacked by the world, making my mom sick, my dad too and all that happened between, i just needed something to take my mind away from the anger and sadness i felt. Instead i wanted to feel the pain internally, so i could feel a sense of power but the one thing that helped me at the time now haunts me.
I never really seen myself as a person who had low self esteem or body image difficulties but i did. I always blamed myself for everything that was going on around me, i was breaking slowly and i didn’t understand why. A switch flipped in my head from a girl who once loved food to a girl who now hates food, it wasn’t just the obsession with controlling what food i would consume but the obsession with seeing the number on the scales drop daily. Everyone could see what i was doing, dieting, eating less or eating nothing at all but yet no one truly seen what i was doing or why i was doing what i was doing. Instead everyone would comment and praise me on loosing weight, “you’ll loose the weight” they said and i did but i also lost myself in the process. I forgot to love and take care of myself the right way.
I remember the first day i refused to eat food, the empty feeling in my stomach resembled how empty i felt emotionally. That first day turned into two days and then three, the numbers on the scales dropped and yet the empty feeling in my stomach turned into something much different, i no longer felt that the feeling in my stomach resembled how i felt, my body fought back. I needed to eat but instead my whole body would flood with guilt and regret after every mouthful, i wanted to feel control over what i ate but it started to take control of me.
Months of under eating left me loosing more and more weight but also loosing a sense of self worth. With every mouthful of food i ate came a rush of guilt that sent my body into a state of shock to which i would battle with my mind and my body, my body needed food but my mind didn’t. I would be left battling it out in the bathroom “don’t do it” i would say to myself but the overwhelming amount of guilt made me. The numbers that would represent my worth slowly went down…
The day i plucked up the courage to tell someone what i was doing to myself, was the day i would regret the most. “you have bulimia” they said, thats all they said and i left feeling so hopeless and unworthy of help, and yet this never ending nightmare continued in my head.
I lost six stone and now i was finally a healthy weight but instead i never felt i was, i still don’t. One day, one change in my head left me with something i would have to battle out every single day for the rest of my life.
Food now haunted me, on the days i plucked up the courage to eat a proper meal were the days i was frightened off. Those days were the once i would fight with myself, “just go to sleep” i would say and this feeling will pass and you’ll no longer want to force this food out of your body. But i did and i couldn’t stop it.
I lived and live a life where i wake up thinking about food and go to sleep feeling used. Each and every day becomes a battle between myself, tired, trained and exhausted. This one day where i felt low, became a day i will never forget because it now follows me into every second and every hour of everyday. Every morning and every night i would place myself on those scales and be fearful to see what numbers would display themselves that day, if they went up i’d feel huge amounts of hatred towards myself, if they stayed the same i would feel a sense of disappointment and if they went down i felt i had achieved something.
For a few months now i’ve made a vow to myself to not weigh myself and although the unknown scares me, the unknown doesn’t hurt me. I struggle still everyday, but with each day i choose to fight back and not let that one day control me for the rest of my life. Although some days i get tired and can no longer fight, i wake up fighting harder the next day.
I once told someone the truth about what i do to myself and although their response made me feel worthless. I know i alone am strong enough to go on this journey of self love alone. I find comfort in knowing others like me who have also felt so defenceless and lost with who they were, have recovered.
If you ever experience an eating disorder or low self- esteem know you’re never alone. You’re beautiful just as you are and if i can fight it, you can to.
The moments where recovery feels the most painful are often the ones you are making the most progress, because it indicates you are actively challenging your demons. Keep on pushing forwards even when the eating disorder voice screams at you. Things tend to scream when they’re dying.