I’ve always been open about my life, my struggles and where i am now but theres’s one thing i’ve always found hard to talk about.
I was 13 years old the first time i came to face you, i sat on the bathroom floor; tears rolling down my face dropping into a puddle before me, circular tablets surrounding me with a cup i’d found to fill my glass. One sip, a deep breath in, out and swallow. I sat there so hopeless and so desperate for the internal pain to stop, for all the confusion that surrounded me to end and for my place in this world to make sense.
I came face to face with you more than once, each time different from the last. I impulsively let you control my entirety. My desperation grew and the end outcome was out of reach, nothing but me and my emptiness left. Each ounce of my body was so scared to consume such poison but each ounce of my body could no longer hold back… those nights i spent endlessly crying, stopped. The pain could no longer find a way out so instead it sent me numb, desperate and hopeless. I didn’t want to die but i could no longer see myself go on any longer, a world where i lived was a world my mind could no longer comprehend.
I needed help.
I’d be lying to myself if i said i still didn’t have suicidal thoughts sometimes, but the difference now is i can see a world where i exist.
I was sure that one day i would take it too far, that my desperation for help would cause me to end my existence forever. Sadly, this is the truth for many people, we live in a society where we don’t talk about suicide instead, we ignore it. Because of stigmas surrounding suicide, thousands if not millions of people hide how they truly feel and that was the truth for me. “You’re weak” and “you don’t love your family if you commit suicide” i had this drilled into my head, from society. I was made to believe that what i felt was abnormal and evil, for many years i tried to keep what i felt hidden, even the times i spent in hospital i’d tell the doctors i was fine but the truth was i wasn’t and i was too scared to admit it.
Suicide kills 800,000 people worldwide each year and over 1 million adults report making a suicide attempt. It’s time to talk… suicidal thoughts don’t make a person weak and it doesn’t make them abnormal or selfish.
You reach a point of such desperation that you see no way forward. If you’re experiencing suicidal thoughts, you’re not alone and you have a purpose. Don’t give up, get help.
They can’t rescue you if they don’t know you need it. Ask for help to fight another day.