#MeToo…My Sexual Assault Story.

~ kirsty marie

It was just a normal day, travelling back home from school on the route I always took, until everything took an unexpected turn and my life changed forever. I wanted to believe something else other than the truth, I wanted to believe it was a mistake or I was overthinking everything like I often did. I was naive, I believed our encounter would be different from what it was. I remember the exact moment I saw him, my whole body filled with dread, I was disappointed.

His hands gripping me, with his lips brushing mine while I stood there, with each breath I took I could feel his. I became disassociated with my body, I froze. Each moment felt like a lifetime as I stood there questioning myself, did I ask for this?

I searched for answers and validation for weeks but nothing justified it. Nothing made me forget, nothing made me feel whole again. My body was flooded with guilt as I tried to process everything. Since that day nothing felt the same, I felt broke, I felt different. For weeks I felt judged, no one was judging me but myself, I punished myself because I made myself believe it was my fault, that what happened was because I asked for it. I felt crazy, it was a memory I couldn’t erase, I tried pushing it away but it wouldn’t leave. I hated myself.

I needed someone to validate how i felt, to tell me i wasn’t crazy and that i was going to be okay. Everyone copes with things differently, but everyone needs validation. Everything didn’t make sense, I was afraid to become a victim. I told myself it was my fault because I didn’t want to be made a victim but, I was made one. I isolated myself from others and myself, I wanted to have control and once I was made a victim all the control I had was taken, so instead I blamed myself.

I soon spoke up out of fear of blaming myself too much, I needed to be validated and to be told that it was going to be okay.

I answered questions I didn’t want to answer and remembered things I tried to forget. Remember, remember they said, what was he wearing? where did he touch you? These questions made me fear ever telling anyone, just the thought of being asked made my body freeze. I was too afraid to tell anyone, but I did because I wanted to reclaim myself again.

If I could go back and change anything, I wouldn’t be as mean to myself. I’d tell myself it wasn’t my fault because it wasn’t. I tried to shy away because it was a lot to handle, but I needed to tell someone.

I exist and this is my story.

We need to keep the conversation going because I didn’t know I was going to be okay, but I am. Be kinder to yourself because it affects us all, female or male. You’re not alone and even though I’m still fighting, I’m alive and I’m okay. Everything is going to be okay.

#MeToo

You took away my worth, my privacy, my energy, my time, my safety, my intimacy, my confidence, my own voice until now.

Published by kirsty marie

12 thoughts on “#MeToo…My Sexual Assault Story.”

  2. I hesitate to “like” this post because of the topic, but I wanted to let you know that you have value that transcends this one moment in your life. Keep writing and expressing your inner strength and you will get past the moment.
    Namaste,
    Kevin

    Liked by 4 people

  3. I’m so sorry for what you’ve been through, but I think you’ve done brilliant with this post. It shows your strength that you’re dealing with the effects it’s had on you, working through validation and guilt and blame, to the point where you’ve found your voice and can share your story. I hope others who have been through trauma and/or sexual assault read this because I think it can give people courage and a sense of feeling less alone.
    Caz xx

    Liked by 4 people

  4. Thank you for sharing this, Kirsty. I think it might offer support and solace to others who need it. I am so sorry this happened to you. It should never have happened and it is most certainly not your fault, but I also understand that you blame yourself. Even the self-blame isn’t actually our fault, society forces us to internalize these things and commits further violence upon us in doing so.

    Liked by 3 people

    1. Thank you, society definitely plays a massive part in internalizing. The more we talk about these things the more we can help others to feel less alone and open up.
      Thank you once again for your kind words x

      Liked by 1 person

  6. I am so sad that this happened to you… Well done for sharing. You are so right. If we can talk about taboo subjects and awful and terrible parts of life, then it can really be helpful for others. It’s an awful thing that we feel guilty for things that are in no way our fault. I really hope the guilt has gone forever. You deserve to be free from it… you are an incredible woman.

    Liked by 2 people

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