For a long time before my moms passing i made myself familiar with the stages of grief, i used it to prepare myself for what was going to happen. Since my mothers death exactly one year and ten months ago i’ve been struck with unimaginable amounts of emotions. I’ve learned the true feelings of anger, sadness, heartache and fear. When i imagined myself grieving i never imagined it to be anything like it is, grief is a rollercoaster, grief is confusing, heart wrenching and most certainly not like any of those articles i read about the stages of grief. I envisioned grief to be in steps, one month i’d feel sad the next angry, but it wasn’t and isn’t like that. Most days i’d experience all stages of grief at once, others anger and sadness and then some days i’d be fearful.
Fear is something i never read about and it was something i never expected to happen. I’ve come to terms with feeling sadness that surrounds my grief but one thing i struggle to come to terms with is the unknown. I question myself daily, i fear the future, the past and the present. For me a lot of my fear comes from asking myself questions i know are impossible to answer.
How can i live the rest of my life without my mother?
This is one of the questions i ask myself frequently, when i’m alone and my mind is running wildly into the darkest part of grief. This question holds so much uncertainty and indefinite answers that my mind does nothing but fear what the end outcome may be. I ask myself how will i ever feel whole again? would she be proud of me or am i disappointing her? Although, i’ve been told she’s proud of me by those around me, there’s only one person who can give me that answer and she’s no longer here to do that. Which is why i’ve found grief has unlocked emotions i never thought possible.
Fear comes out of nowhere, you fear the future and the now, you’re left feeling helpless, scared and lonely. The fear of not knowing takes me to a place i can only describe as all consuming.
While grief has taught me so much it also taught me true fear. I let the fear consume me, the fear of being alone without my mom forever, the fear of disappointing her and the fear of disappointing myself. I was too fearful to upload posts on here in case i was doing the wrong thing. Now i’m learning that my whole life is going to be full of unknown possibilities, unknown circumstances and living in fear is only going to make those fears win. I don’t want to drown in my grief, i want it to teach me and guide me to live, to teach me to live without fear just like my mom would have wanted.
Grief is something that will be with me for the rest of my life but it has to evolve. I don’t want my moms death to stop me from doing the things i would have done when she was here. I want my grief to teach me to become the women she would be proud of.
If you’re grieving the death of someone, then know it’s going to be okay. It’s scary, confusing and makes you feel hurt in ways you never imagined you would. But i’m alive, i’m living and i’m learning.
No one ever told me grief felt so like fear.