Fear of the unknown.

For a long time before my moms passing i made myself familiar with the stages of grief, i used it to prepare myself for what was going to happen. Since my mothers death exactly one year and ten months ago i’ve been struck with unimaginable amounts of emotions. I’ve learned the true feelings of anger, sadness, heartache and fear. When i imagined myself grieving i never imagined it to be anything like it is, grief is a rollercoaster, grief is confusing, heart wrenching and most certainly not like any of those articles i read about the stages of grief. I envisioned grief to be in steps, one month i’d feel sad the next angry, but it wasn’t and isn’t like that. Most days i’d experience all stages of grief at once, others anger and sadness and then some days i’d be fearful.

Fear is something i never read about and it was something i never expected to happen. I’ve come to terms with feeling sadness that surrounds my grief but one thing i struggle to come to terms with is the unknown. I question myself daily, i fear the future, the past and the present. For me a lot of my fear comes from asking myself questions i know are impossible to answer.

How can i live the rest of my life without my mother?

This is one of the questions i ask myself frequently, when i’m alone and my mind is running wildly into the darkest part of grief. This question holds so much uncertainty and indefinite answers that my mind does nothing but fear what the end outcome may be. I ask myself how will i ever feel whole again? would she be proud of me or am i disappointing her? Although, i’ve been told she’s proud of me by those around me, there’s only one person who can give me that answer and she’s no longer here to do that. Which is why i’ve found grief has unlocked emotions i never thought possible.

Fear comes out of nowhere, you fear the future and the now, you’re left feeling helpless, scared and lonely. The fear of not knowing takes me to a place i can only describe as all consuming.

While grief has taught me so much it also taught me true fear. I let the fear consume me, the fear of being alone without my mom forever, the fear of disappointing her and the fear of disappointing myself. I was too fearful to upload posts on here in case i was doing the wrong thing. Now i’m learning that my whole life is going to be full of unknown possibilities, unknown circumstances and living in fear is only going to make those fears win. I don’t want to drown in my grief, i want it to teach me and guide me to live, to teach me to live without fear just like my mom would have wanted.

Grief is something that will be with me for the rest of my life but it has to evolve. I don’t want my moms death to stop me from doing the things i would have done when she was here. I want my grief to teach me to become the women she would be proud of.

If you’re grieving the death of someone, then know it’s going to be okay. It’s scary, confusing and makes you feel hurt in ways you never imagined you would. But i’m alive, i’m living and i’m learning.

No one ever told me grief felt so like fear.

mpm2

Advertisements

7 thoughts on “Fear of the unknown.

  1. Grief is a hard journey to walk, no doubt about it. I hadn’t thought about grief teaching us about fear, but you are right. In the first years after my son’s death, I had engulfing fears. Thank you so much for posting about your life journey – you give wise and comforting words to those who are traveling the same pathways. Keep purposefully walking your grief recovery – you will get stronger and braver! Thank you for stopping by and liking my post. I look forward to reading more of yours ❤

    Liked by 1 person

    1. Thank you so much. I’m so sorry to hear about your loss, I hope you’ve been able to find comfort on your journey. Grief doesn’t go away in one year or even two its life long and I wish you nothing but happiness. 💓

      Liked by 1 person

  2. I lost my mom when my daughter was a yr old and her being my first child . It was so hard I lost my father when my daughter was 6 months so double whammy .. I was close to both but my mom I needed her I could tell her anything and now with a new baby it was all unimaginable .. and yes I felt fear . I thought it was strange to feel that . But everyone grieves differently . It will pass the fear . It just hangs in a bit longer . I can’t explain my fear .. it’s just was there . A. Yr is not that long .. so grief . And each day will get easier,❤️

    Liked by 1 person

      1. Thank you! Your so welcome I just wanted you to know that grief can have fear emotions .. especially when it’s a loss of a parent. So feel the way you need to .. yes it’s been many years . I always have them with me a day didn’t go by that I don’t think of them.❤️

        Liked by 1 person

Comments are closed.