The most unexpected moments, going about your everyday life can lead to the most sudden and heart wrenching times. Today I was searching for my National Insurance Number, My mom used to keep separate polly pockets for me and my brother to keep all our important stuff in. However, with my National Insurance Number not being in there I decided to search our cabinet that has old bits and bobs in. Upon searching the cabinet, I came across a bag, a bag filled with toys. Toys my mom had brought just before she passed away, to fill up little goodie bags for my nephews and nieces.
This bag was filled with the ones she had left and chose not to use, It may come across strange to be talking about this bag filled with left over toys. But I remember so vividly being in the kitchen with my mom, while she stood there with the biggest grin on her face. She wanted to make the kids happy. she searched everywhere and brought so much stuff, so much so that most the toys couldn’t fit in the bags she had got. But whilst I helped her, she stood there being so effortlessly kind, she would do her best each and everyday, she would do things without even thinking about it because thats the sort of mother she was.
Seeing this bag with left over toys in it, brought me back to that very moment. It’s the closest I’ve felt to my mom in a long time, I could feel her warmth surround me once more. I could see and feel her smile, the way it would light up a room whenever she entered one.
Moments like this are the ones I used to be fearful of, I would fear the pain and heartache. I’d try to push out the reality of my mom not being here anymore but today changed my outlook on how I feel about finding memories to reminisce on. Each memory brings back just a small part of who my mom was. I never imagined myself to feel relief from remembering a memory of my mom, as I used to feel it took her further away from me, but it doesn’t it just brings her closer.
Today was a lesson for me, another one the journey of grief has taught me. A lesson to always cherish each moment and in those moment where something hurts, the hurt you feel is there for a reason. The heartache I felt today was because of the impact my mom left on me, I lived for 18 years to know the most incredible woman and I will forever be grateful for that.
To anyone experiencing grief, know that in those moments where you feel further away from your loved one, they’re right beside you. Each memory you have is a place they have filled in your hearts.
Life brings tears, smiles and memories. The tears dry, the smiles fade, but the memories last forever.