Firstly, I just wanted to start my post off by saying thank you to everyone for the support on my recent posts, It truly does mean a lot.
This is a different post for me, but I felt the need to express the week I’ve had. The beginning of my week was filled with lots of determination, looking for jobs, getting ready to write a post and overall, just trying to get my life back on track. Tuesday started of great too, but sadly that changed as I received a call informing me that Cancer may have found its way back into my life. My brother is being sent for tests for Leukaemia, although he may be fine I can’t shake that feeling that It’s all starting again.
The constant worry and the heartache I just don’t know how I’ll cope with it all for a fourth time. Growing up with cancer being the only thing I knew, it felt good for that to be gone, although my mom died from cancer she wasn’t cancer. I felt like everything changed and I somehow started a new life, one that wasn’t held down by Cancer. But now all that’s come flooding back. Moments after the phone call I did what I’ve always done, sucked it up, tried to be strong and moved forward.
Wednesday, Thursday and Friday were filled with lots of cleaning, applying for jobs and were just typical days. Saturday, started off good too, but the week soon caught up with me, the realisation began to settle and my depression took over. I wasn’t able to figure out at the time what made me feel so low, why I suddenly had no energy to do anything at all and why I was on edge all day. But today I understood why I was feeling the way I was, but I realised it too late.
This morning I had what I call an episode/break down, It’s hard to describe when something like this happens and to open up about because I’ve always struggled to understand what these ‘episodes’ are. My morning started off okay, but I woke up feeling exhausted which took a toll on me, I was too tired to even get up which in turn made me feel really frustrated. Frustrated because once again, something was holding me back, not allowing me to do the things I want. I won’t go into too much detail about my breakdown as I’m still not ready to open up about it, but upon reflecting on my week, I was able to unfold why I’ve been feeling the way I have.
For so long all I’ve known is cancer, I lived and breathed it since the day I was born. With all of it being over, for 2 years now I’ve started to rebuild my life and now It’s finding It’s way in again, which is honestly really scary for me.
In most my posts I like to look for a way to find the good in the bad, but for this one I want to leave it as it is and just hope that the upcoming weeks are better than this. For everyone else not having such a good week. I hope you find peace in knowing that you’re not alone.
Always remember, you have it within you to rise above whatever may be bringing you down.