In a world that appears to be so perfect, It can be hard to fit in. During 2012 this reality sunk in, societal norms took over and these normalities left me feeling imperfect. I was diagnosed with Body Dysmorphic Disorder, a debilitating disorder that consumed me entirely.
It’s scary to see how much hatred someone can have for themselves, even at such a young age. The first time me and my family realised something was wrong was when I had a meltdown just one hour before I had to leave my house, I screamed, cried and let the hatred for myself take over. I’d wake up four hours earlier just to get ready and present myself to the world, I remember obsessing over my hair and my makeup and when It wasn’t perfect it left me feeling ugly, deformed and invaluable.
Body Dysmorphic Disorder, Is a disorder that’s taken so much from me, my freedom, my confidence and the love I once had for myself.
The only representation for Body Dysmorphic Disorder is distorted images of one’s self. But even then, it doesn’t show the true pain BDD causes. It’s more than just thinking you’re fat when you’re not or believing you’re ugly, It’s a disorder that makes you feel so invaluable you no longer want to live.
My BDD started off with me trying to cover my face with makeup to hide all my imperfections and perfecting my hair down to each and every strand. Then It turned into me looking at my imperfect body, I was overweight at one point, but as soon as BDD caught up with me, I forced myself to lose the weight, I starved myself. Once I lost the weight I still could see a distorted image of myself as being overweight, Calorie intake took over my life and on the days I felt I was eating too much I would Binge and purge. BDD stripped me of all the dignity I had left.
Over the years my BDD has gotten better, but sometimes I struggle. If I think I’m fat or my makeup Isn’t as perfect as It should be I’d cry, cancel all my plans and hide away from the world. Over the last couple of years I’ve learned what can trigger my BDD, but that doesn’t mean that those moments don’t come back. Each day with BDD I find myself obsessively looking in the mirror, wearing makeup not because I want to but because without It I can’t leave the house, feeling guilty for what I eat and pushing myself to believe I’m not enough, when I am, we all are.
I made this post to share an insight into what it’s like to live with BDD and to show anyone who feels imperfect or compares themselves to others that you’re not alone. We all feel imperfect and have flaws, but that doesn’t make us less worthy of being loved.
Perfection is found in accepting your imperfections.
On my last post I had a comment with a quote that I thought was lovely, so I’ve decided to use it in this post. If anyone has any quotes they would like me to use in my future posts comment them down below.
There are things that we don’t want to happen but have to accept, things we don’t want to know but have to learn, people we can’t live without but have to let go.― Nancy Stephan