She can’t deny it, but the past few months have been somewhat of a rollercoaster ride, but without the fun and laughter, more like when you spin a coin around in a circle and towards the end it begins to spiral out of control. She’s angry, angry that she doesn’t seem to get a break, the world just throws everything at her and she can’t stop it anymore.
She was happy for a short period of time, but of course that wouldn’t last long. She may be homeless by the end of the month, but that’s not what she’s worried about. She feels more lonely than ever, she has nothing left. She has no money, no parents and no place to call home…
She sits in the only place she knows and writes to drown her sorrows away, her tears fall flat onto her keyboard and the letter F now feels slippery from the droplet being spread around. she wonders if it will ever get easier or if there is a path out there she’s supposed to take and all this craziness is just guiding her to it. She’s still worried about her brother and she feels shame in herself for not being as supportive as she should be. She feels consumed by everything, the dark place she goes to is only one more bad day away. Every day she feels she’s lost her way, she doesn’t know what it means yet, but she still holds onto hope that “everything happens for a reason.”
She sits with anger, not that graceful sort of anger, but that sort of anger you get that only comes once in a while and when you feel it, it feels so strong that it’s all you can feel. She feels angry at everything, why me, why does it always feel like I’m being tortured by the world. Her palms begin to sweat, more from her adrenaline than anything else.
She’s scared too, scared that she can’t take the pain anymore or won’t be able to take it for much longer. She knows she’s strong, but she can’t deny that she thinks about what it would be like if she just disappeared, if she just went and never came back. That’s not an option and it never will be but she can’t help but imagine a life where everything is peaceful. She wants to feel what it would feel like to be without depression and without a life that spirals out of control each time a pin drops.
You sometimes think you want to disappear, but all you really want is to be found.