I lay down in the bath, shut my eyes and focused on the pain. I didn’t feel anything, but an ache running through my whole body. I’d tell myself no one cared even though I’m sure someone did. I shut myself down and for a moment I remember feeling like no one else existed, but me. The sadness took over, and that’s when I picked up the blade, I was 12.
I remember trying to go to sleep that same night, my arm felt like it was on fire and I was ashamed of myself. I went to school the next morning, and that’s when everyone noticed. I tried to hide my arms, but somehow everyone found out. One girl, who bullied me at the time lifted my sleeve up and told me I was “stupid” and an “attention seeker.” I felt so broken that all I wanted to do was hide.
I had self-harmed a lot since that day, but the only difference is I don’t remember the other times the way I remember the first. I remember the first time I self- harmed so vividly, it was the first day that I truly felt my life come crashing down around me.
A lot of people misunderstand self- harm, when I was told I was “attention-seeking” I felt like I was being judged for something I couldn’t control. I self-harmed because Internally I felt so confused. My life was falling apart and I couldn’t do anything to stop it, Self- harming was a way for me to bring my internal emotions to my outer surface.
I’d be lying if I said I’ve not self -harmed in years, but the truth is the last time I self-harmed was about a year ago. Like my suicidal thoughts, I no longer think of harming myself. It took a long time to get there, but I’m finally there.
I was addicted to Self- harming. It was my escape from the world and for just a few seconds my mind would feel at peace. When I look at my scars, I feel hurt. I feel hurt because I remember how unhappy I was and the only way I thought I could escape my mind was to harm myself. I don’t just look at my scars and see pain, but I also see someone who’s come so far, It reminds me of how strong I am and the things I’ve overcome.
I’ve come so far, and I’m so proud of myself for that. If you self-harm or have self- harmed, then please know that there are other options, even when you think there isn’t. If I can do it, then you can too, you’re never alone.
You were given this life because you’re strong enough to live it.
My heart hurts so much for what you have come through, Kirsty Marie, but I am so thankful you HAVE come through it. Keep going, keep writing, keep sharing, keep healing. Your voice is so important, YOU are so important! I am praying for you daily and sending you love ❤
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Thank you so much! It truly means a lot, sending lots of love back your way ❤
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Thank you for this honest and moving tale🌻
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It takes strength to share your deep feelings. Makes me sad that you had to go through this. Keep sharing, we as a community, are here to listen to each other.
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Thann you so much ☺️x
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I have you in my prayers! Also, my sister has gone through something similar so I have written about it a bit. You can read it if you want if it helps you in any way. https://mybookofhonour.wordpress.com/2020/04/20/i-was-here-gayle-forman-reviews-views-on-mental-health/
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Thank you so much, I’m sorry your sisters gone through any of that, I will have a read. Thank you again x
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