Breakdowns are something I always felt ashamed to talk about, I would put a front on so often that the thought of showing anyone I’m not okay overwhelmed me. I’ve had a lot of breakdowns and sometimes still do, there have been times in my life where I felt so overwhelmed by everything that my ability to act rationally came to a halt.
My latest breakdown was a month ago now. The thought of being stuck in this never-ending cycle of pain consumed me. The reality of everything I lost took over, I found myself not wanting to eat, staring at the walls and becoming distant from society.
There have been times in the past when I was getting ready for work and I felt this overwhelming sense of sadness and panic take over. I would cry, scream, and lose sight of everything. I’d call in sick, then lie and cry for hours. There have been times when I self-harmed because I couldn’t see a way out of what I was feeling.
I didn’t talk about my breakdowns after they had happened, I’d just pretend I was okay and carry on with my life as normal, but I realise now that I was just too afraid to admit I had a setback. I kept myself so much together that I let myself down, and the only person suffering was me.
Admitting I’m not okay has always been hard for me and still is. Some days, I’d fake a smile whilst others I’d hide away.
I learned that I was being too hard on myself, setting myself expectations I couldn’t meet up with. The truth is some days I’m not okay. Life gets in the way and memories come flooding back.
If you’re someone like me who’s had breakdowns or maybe you’re having one right now. Be kinder to yourself, admit you’re not okay and let it show. Take some time out and let yourself heal. Find ways to reduce your stress, focus on you, and become aware.
When I was going through a breakdown all my emotions morphed into one and I didn’t understand what was happening which left me feeling confused and broken. Researching more helped me a lot, I came to terms with what my body was going through and was able to understand myself more. I slowly started to admit I wasn’t feeling okay and asked for help.
Breakdowns are never easy to go through, but it’s okay.
Not being okay, is okay.
It’s healthy to admit your not okay. it’s okay not to be okay, it’s brave. but don’t let it win. Be sad. Have your moment, your day, or week. Then do something about it and be happy. For yourself.