I have to be honest with myself, for a while now I've pushed my inner thoughts to the back of my mind when the truth is they don't stay there, they only torture me. Taking over not just a few seconds out of each day but each second of each day... When I walk past … Continue reading Fighting back starts today.
Two years ago, I woke up to see my life shattered around me, I no longer had anything just the few people who stood by my side. A domino effect struck my life and kept taking away everything that meant something to me until I believed in myself. I felt lost, I quit my job … Continue reading A short thank you…
I want to scream, and I want the world to hear my pain. It's not fair how could this be real? It's nearly been three years, and I can't fathom what my life will be like another three years from now. I have so many questions, but no one to answer them. No one to … Continue reading I’ll be ready one day, but not now.
My chest becomes tight as I feel my airways clasp onto one another. My palms are clammy now. I no longer have control over my body, my mind has taken over. I shake and tremble. I can no longer hold my weight instead, I fall to the floor. My eyes are blurry but I see … Continue reading Am I dying?
Beneath all of this, I'm just human and your actions hurt. They've torn me apart for far too long. Why is it you have to judge me? Why tear apart my dreams? I dream big, but it's all I've ever had. Dreaming was my escape from reality. You stopped me from following my heart. And … Continue reading Dreaming…
I have neglected you for so long. Not in just one way, but in many. You keep me here and for that I should be grateful, but why are you so hard to love? From the age of 10, I abandoned you. The words they told us weren't true. I'm sorry for believing them. I took my pain out on you, you didn't deserve those scars. No one does. I've hated everything about you, and you never turned your back on me. Every pill I swallowed, you fought … Continue reading You were never the enemy, I was.
I like to please everyone; I've been like this my whole life. It's funny because no matter how much you try to please everyone, there's always someone who doubts you. As of lately, that person seems to be me. Without realising I've subconsciously let everyone else's doubts, control me. You begin to internalise everyone's side-remarks … Continue reading What makes you happy.
When I lost my mom, I didn't just lose her but I lost the life I once had. Everything changed, and I was left to pick up the shattered pieces. I've realised now that picking up those shattered pieces was only making me forget how beautiful life was before it broke. I would have my … Continue reading Letting go of the life I had.
Nan, todays the day I'm supposed to say goodbye to you and yet I can't be there. It still seems surreal that you're not here and won't be coming back, I wanted to tell you I was sorry, but I can't even do that now. I'm not sure if you would have even remembered me … Continue reading For now this is goodbye.
Why is it we compare ourselves to others? I ask myself this question most days, actually every day. I too have fallen a victim to comparing myself. Sometimes I wish to look like someone else, to have a smaller forehead or have their flat stomach, but it's not just that I wish for. Some days … Continue reading Comparing ourselves.
It's four in the morning as I write this because I can't chase away my thoughts tonight. I've tried so hard to ignore them, as I do most days, but pushing them away is only making them more difficult to run from. I feel lonely, I could be surrounded by nothing but people and still feel lonely. My heart breaks each time I think about myself. Each time I do, I feel an overwhelming sense of failure. I've failed myself. I had this passion, and I wanted to impact people's lives, but I feel like the most forgetful person in the world. I've never belonged, Even when I had friends I always felt like everyone had this hatred against me. I don't have many friends, in fact, I have none. I've always struggled to let people in, but for so long I felt like I didn't belong … Continue reading Late night thoughts.
Breast cancer is something I've always struggled to talk about, Both my mom and dad had breast cancer and sadly my mom lost her life after it returned. I've spoken so much about my journey with grief, but there's still a major event in my life I haven't spoken about and it's possibly the most … Continue reading Male Breast Cancer
I lay down in the bath, shut my eyes and focused on the pain. I didn't feel anything, but an ache running through my whole body. I'd tell myself no one cared even though I'm sure someone did. I shut myself down and for a moment I remember feeling like no one else existed, but … Continue reading Self Harm
I've never made a post about this before and honestly, I'm pretty scared too, I don't know why I feel anxious about It. But I'm determined to open up about parts of my life that feel almost impossible to talk about just to raise awareness. I'm in a relationship with someone who isn't "my colour." … Continue reading Racism.
I've always tried to keep my blog truthful, even when the truth hurts. I want to share my darkest moments to make someone else's dark moments seem that little bit brighter. Recently, I've been going through one of those dark moments. My nan passed away four days ago. She contracted the coronavirus and whilst, everyone … Continue reading Suffering a loss.
Societies' representation of what we should look and be like is something I've felt I never fitted in with. I'm not like those girls you see in magazines or Instagram posts, I'm not someone who hides their creativity or mental health problems because society tells me to. The things that are considered ugly are the … Continue reading Imperfectly Beautiful.
I think if anyone were to ask me four years ago where I would be in terms of my mental health I would have said something along the lines of "probably dead." To most people that likely sounds unnerving and shocking but for me that was the truth. Four years ago I attempted suicide for … Continue reading Believing in yourself.
Since, most of us are in quarantine right now It leaves a lot of time to do some thinking, some of which I've been doing a lot of lately. Being so stuck in my own head has left me feeling worthless, your own head can sometimes be the worst place to be. Whilst, I've been … Continue reading Stuck In My Own Head…
She can't deny it, but the past few months have been somewhat of a rollercoaster ride, but without the fun and laughter, more like when you spin a coin around in a circle and towards the end it begins to spiral out of control. She's angry, angry that she doesn't seem to get a break, … Continue reading What she can’t deny.
She made plans to see her friend that afternoon, to look around at the german markets and get a coffee for their monthly catch up. Little did she know that would be the last time she would see her mom. She finally got to see her mom, who had just come home from the hospice … Continue reading The last memory.
I don't know what it is but I get in this dark place, It's a place where I don't want to say or do anything. No motivation to move or carry out normal day to day tasks. It seems strange for me as I'm normally a very motivated person, but this time It's different. Job … Continue reading A fresh start?
Mom, I haven't spoke to you In a while, I'm scared to. I used to talk to your picture all the time, but now when I think about you I get scared, It's nothing like I've ever known. I'm scared to live, to move forward with my life. I miss you so much. I can't … Continue reading Dear Mom…
Do you ever let your pain bleed out and cover the scars that you let determine your worth Do you ever look at the numbers on the scale and let them tell you if you're worthy of love Do you ever feel embarrassed in your own skin And pretend to be someone you're not because … Continue reading Do you ever?
In a world that appears to be so perfect, It can be hard to fit in. During 2012 this reality sunk in, societal norms took over and these normalities left me feeling imperfect. I was diagnosed with Body Dysmorphic Disorder, a debilitating disorder that consumed me entirely. It's scary to see how much hatred someone … Continue reading In a world that appears to be so perfect
Firstly, I just wanted to start my post off by saying thank you to everyone for the support on my recent posts, It truly does mean a lot. This is a different post for me, but I felt the need to express the week I've had. The beginning of my week was filled with lots … Continue reading Weekly Update.
The most unexpected moments, going about your everyday life can lead to the most sudden and heart-wrenching times. Today I was searching for my National Insurance Number, My mom used to keep separate Polly pockets for me and my brother to keep all our important stuff in. However, with my National Insurance Number not being … Continue reading Memories.
I've been holding onto hope that everything will fall into place, that my life will somehow work itself out. But when I make all the right steps to move forward, the universe finds a way to damage any hope I had left of fulfilling my dreams. I haven't posted anything on my blog since September, … Continue reading Never Enough
I don't often write my posts back to back but today i felt the need to write something. World suicide prevention day is today and as some of you may know i hold this subject very close to my heart. I've watched my family look to suicide for help and i too have done the … Continue reading World suicide prevention day.
For a long time before my moms passing i made myself familiar with the stages of grief, i used it to prepare myself for what was going to happen. Since my mothers death exactly one year and ten months ago i've been struck with unimaginable amounts of emotions. I've learned the true feelings of anger, … Continue reading Fear of the unknown.
I look to you for advice but you tear me down, you push through the walls i built trying to stop you from punishing me. I work so hard to stop you from influencing how i feel, but you always find a way to break me down. You entice me into thinking you've changed but … Continue reading My only enemy.